Tag Archives: food

Shame-ber Food List

Lawrence in Tenver (aka Cornhole), has lovingly compiled a list of Shame-ber-worthy food-like items for us to enjoy:

Lately I’ve been compiling a list of “delicious/disgusting” foods. The difference between delicious/disgusting food and much of the junk food that other people eat in their shamebers is that D/D food is not merely delicious and unhealthy — through the magic of industrial food processing, these junk foods achieve the feat of being repellent and tasty at the same time.

Take McDonald’s french fries, for instance. They are indisputably delicious, and yet I would not be surprised to learn that they are injection-molded from an edible plastic developed by evil Nazi scientists. Even while shoveling handfuls of this quasi-food-like-substance into my mouth and moaning with delight, I feel nauseated and slightly greasy, and afterward I vow never to eat the vile stuff again. Which is always a lie.

I questioned whether or not this belonged in my Shame-ber, so I imagined filling a grocery cart with these items and decided that I would feel quite ashamed if I ran into someone I knew at the grocery store. “This isn’t for me,” I would say. “I’m having some 12-year-boys over to my place, and I heard they like this kind of food.”

Anyway, here’s my list:

· Totino’s Party Pizzas

· Chef Boyardee canned spaghetti & meatballs (now with extra-orange sauce!)

· Spam

· Hostess Sno Balls

· Hostess Cup Cakes

· Hostess Ding Dongs

· Anything from Hostess, really

· Or McDonald’s

· Or Taco Bell, for that matter

· Bar S hot dogs

· Any number of pseudo-cheese products: Cheez Whiz, Easy Cheese, pasteurized process cheese food singles, any sausage product with cheese built in…

· Funyuns

· Magic Shell

· Cool Whip

· Little Debbie Swiss Rolls

· Dinty Moore canned beef stew

And might I also add from my own Shame-ber:

Pizza Hut pizza (which, even though I am lactose intolerant, and even though I can’t breathe for hours after eating it, calls its siren song to me more often than I would like to admit)

McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets (thankfully, I have resisted these for probably about 10 years)

The fact that I will eat the same disgusting meal for days on end when my husband goes out of town, and I’m really too ashamed to describe it to you

The cherry-chip cookies at King Soopers that they give away free to “kids” (which to me, means 30-year-old women). Every time I eat one, I feel like my mouth has been coated in crude oil, but I keep coming back for more. They are shockingly pink, and contain no natural ingredients. Do they have these cookies anywhere else, or is it just a Colorado thing?

What’s on your list?

Oh, and I don’t think this is shameful at all, but I want to encourage everyone to try putting peanuts in their Coke (a la Barbara Mandrell). It’s delightful and delicious!

Also, if you’re going to eat a Totino’s Party Pizza, might I suggest fashioning it into a Pizzarito?

PEACE!

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He Has a Shame-ber at Work Too

Luke’s not the only one who uses the bathroom as his Shame-ber:

I have the reputation at work of being the In-Shape Guy, and the Eats Healthy Guy. So whenever anyone offers me some of the fattening feast that they just brought in (which is often), I give them the “Oh no, I don’t eat stuff like that.” Then I sort of look down my nose at the garbage that my colleagues are about to stuff into their faces. Everyone knows that I don’t approve.

But people bring in a lot of food almost every day, so when lunch is over there is always something leftover in the break room which is treated as communal. So sometimes I get up like I need to go #1, but I’m really going to the break room, looking around to make sure no one sees me, then grabbing something off the table and devouring it in the bathroom. When I’m done, I push my trash (evidence) toward the bottom of the bathroom trashcan (making sure it’s covered), make sure there are no crumbs in my beard, and walk out haughty as ever. I write this having consumed approximately half of an Otis Spunkmeyer Cafe au Lait pan brownie earlier in the day.

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I’ve never understood the lure of the breakroom snacks, and in fact have often made fun of my co-workers for their inability to resist the various sweets that are brought in – until the day someone brought one of those 5 pound tubs of Red Vines. Then I proceeded to eat approximately 3 pounds of that sweet viney goodness over a period of two days.

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Let Him Eat Cake

This isn’t exactly Shame-ber material because the person involved didn’t knowingly engage in this behavior, and probably wouldn’t make a habit of it if he had been aware of it – HOWEVER, it was too funny to keep to hidden in the hallowed stacks of The Shame-ber:

It happened at a work birthday party. The big boss (let’s call him Al) was there, casually leaning against the wall eating his cake.

A worker bee (let’s call him John) was also eating cake, sitting at a table near Al. John had just taken a bite of cake when he sneezed. His sneeze propelled a tiny bit of cake onto Al’s pant leg, just above the knee. John was horrified that Al would notice and be horrified too. Well, let me say here that Al was not known for being observant of “the real world around him”. Al happened to look down about a second after John sneezed and, seeing a bit of cake on his leg, snatched it up with his finger and ate it. John almost passed out when he saw this.

sneeze

Blerg.

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Saturday Night’s Alright (For Frosting)

Today, a glimpse into a Ten’s glamorous weekend:

I spent last Saturday night on the couch watching a marathon of “48 Hours Mystery” and eating graham crackers with vanilla frosting (from a can) spread on them as a delicious, shameful dessert.

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And I wasn’t alone. No one told me marriage would involve inviting someone else into your shameber!

Hey, at least you both enjoyed the frosting and 48 Hours Mystery! Around my house, it’s shame-ber hell as I am forced to endure my husband’s unhealthy obsession with NCIS.

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Welcome to The Shame-ber, Mr. Bourdain

On last Friday’s show, Luke asked chef Anthony Bourdain what is in his food Shame-ber, and boy is it glorious:

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I also thought it was great that Anthony perfectly described the masthead of The Shame-ber (which is The Unknown Comic) – he said he wears a paper bag over his head when he goes into KFC to order their mac and cheese. HUNGRY FOR THE MAC AND CHEEESE!

Speaking of the masthead, I want to thank Paul for cleaning it up, and making it look more like a sketch artist drawing. RAWR!

The Shame-ber would also like to congratulate Luke Burbank on a successful first pitch at the Mariner’s game last Thursday. There was nothing shameful about that!

Finally, please don’t be shy about submitting your Shame-ber items! Say it with me: “Shame-ber.” Submissions have slowed to a trickle, and I can’t keep this blog going based on my own Shame-ber items alone. If you have submitted an item and it hasn’t appeared yet, don’t panic. I’ve got a few up my sleeve that should be posted later this week.

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Shame-ber Roundup

A quick and dirty roundup of some notable Shame-ber items:

Japan’s #1 mixer has a lukewarm secret lurking in his Shame-ber – barely heating up frozen food when he’s deep in the cups. Well, I guess that’s not a big secret, but it’s Shame-ber worthy nonetheless.

Accacia of Union Suit fame shares three items she is particularly ashamed of: corned beef hash from a can, the music of Shaggy – including his duet with Cyndi Lauper, and CSI: Miami (it’s no NCIS!).

Drinking box wine and enjoying some of Joaquin Phoenix’s early work – before he abandoned acting for his highly successful rap career.

Have a great weekend. RAWR!

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Questionable Item

Here’s one that is questionable:

Does Jen’s story about going to Cheesecake Factory alone to eat their spinach artichoke dip qualify for The Shame-ber?

Remember, a shame-ber is in the mind of the beholder! Everyone get on their Shame-ber Stallions and pass judgment.

dip

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