Lawrence in Tenver (aka Cornhole), has lovingly compiled a list of Shame-ber-worthy food-like items for us to enjoy:
Lately I’ve been compiling a list of “delicious/disgusting” foods. The difference between delicious/disgusting food and much of the junk food that other people eat in their shamebers is that D/D food is not merely delicious and unhealthy — through the magic of industrial food processing, these junk foods achieve the feat of being repellent and tasty at the same time.
Take McDonald’s french fries, for instance. They are indisputably delicious, and yet I would not be surprised to learn that they are injection-molded from an edible plastic developed by evil Nazi scientists. Even while shoveling handfuls of this quasi-food-like-substance into my mouth and moaning with delight, I feel nauseated and slightly greasy, and afterward I vow never to eat the vile stuff again. Which is always a lie.
I questioned whether or not this belonged in my Shame-ber, so I imagined filling a grocery cart with these items and decided that I would feel quite ashamed if I ran into someone I knew at the grocery store. “This isn’t for me,” I would say. “I’m having some 12-year-boys over to my place, and I heard they like this kind of food.”
Anyway, here’s my list:
· Totino’s Party Pizzas
· Chef Boyardee canned spaghetti & meatballs (now with extra-orange sauce!)
· Hostess Sno Balls
· Hostess Cup Cakes
· Hostess Ding Dongs
· Anything from Hostess, really
· Or McDonald’s
· Or Taco Bell, for that matter
· Bar S hot dogs
· Any number of pseudo-cheese products: Cheez Whiz, Easy Cheese, pasteurized process cheese food singles, any sausage product with cheese built in…
· Magic Shell
· Cool Whip
· Little Debbie Swiss Rolls
· Dinty Moore canned beef stew
And might I also add from my own Shame-ber:
Pizza Hut pizza (which, even though I am lactose intolerant, and even though I can’t breathe for hours after eating it, calls its siren song to me more often than I would like to admit)
McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets (thankfully, I have resisted these for probably about 10 years)
The fact that I will eat the same disgusting meal for days on end when my husband goes out of town, and I’m really too ashamed to describe it to you
The cherry-chip cookies at King Soopers that they give away free to “kids” (which to me, means 30-year-old women). Every time I eat one, I feel like my mouth has been coated in crude oil, but I keep coming back for more. They are shockingly pink, and contain no natural ingredients. Do they have these cookies anywhere else, or is it just a Colorado thing?
What’s on your list?
Oh, and I don’t think this is shameful at all, but I want to encourage everyone to try putting peanuts in their Coke (a la Barbara Mandrell). It’s delightful and delicious!
Also, if you’re going to eat a Totino’s Party Pizza, might I suggest fashioning it into a Pizzarito?