Shame-ber Food List

Lawrence in Tenver (aka Cornhole), has lovingly compiled a list of Shame-ber-worthy food-like items for us to enjoy:

Lately I’ve been compiling a list of “delicious/disgusting” foods. The difference between delicious/disgusting food and much of the junk food that other people eat in their shamebers is that D/D food is not merely delicious and unhealthy — through the magic of industrial food processing, these junk foods achieve the feat of being repellent and tasty at the same time.

Take McDonald’s french fries, for instance. They are indisputably delicious, and yet I would not be surprised to learn that they are injection-molded from an edible plastic developed by evil Nazi scientists. Even while shoveling handfuls of this quasi-food-like-substance into my mouth and moaning with delight, I feel nauseated and slightly greasy, and afterward I vow never to eat the vile stuff again. Which is always a lie.

I questioned whether or not this belonged in my Shame-ber, so I imagined filling a grocery cart with these items and decided that I would feel quite ashamed if I ran into someone I knew at the grocery store. “This isn’t for me,” I would say. “I’m having some 12-year-boys over to my place, and I heard they like this kind of food.”

Anyway, here’s my list:

· Totino’s Party Pizzas

· Chef Boyardee canned spaghetti & meatballs (now with extra-orange sauce!)

· Spam

· Hostess Sno Balls

· Hostess Cup Cakes

· Hostess Ding Dongs

· Anything from Hostess, really

· Or McDonald’s

· Or Taco Bell, for that matter

· Bar S hot dogs

· Any number of pseudo-cheese products: Cheez Whiz, Easy Cheese, pasteurized process cheese food singles, any sausage product with cheese built in…

· Funyuns

· Magic Shell

· Cool Whip

· Little Debbie Swiss Rolls

· Dinty Moore canned beef stew

And might I also add from my own Shame-ber:

Pizza Hut pizza (which, even though I am lactose intolerant, and even though I can’t breathe for hours after eating it, calls its siren song to me more often than I would like to admit)

McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets (thankfully, I have resisted these for probably about 10 years)

The fact that I will eat the same disgusting meal for days on end when my husband goes out of town, and I’m really too ashamed to describe it to you

The cherry-chip cookies at King Soopers that they give away free to “kids” (which to me, means 30-year-old women). Every time I eat one, I feel like my mouth has been coated in crude oil, but I keep coming back for more. They are shockingly pink, and contain no natural ingredients. Do they have these cookies anywhere else, or is it just a Colorado thing?

What’s on your list?

Oh, and I don’t think this is shameful at all, but I want to encourage everyone to try putting peanuts in their Coke (a la Barbara Mandrell). It’s delightful and delicious!

Also, if you’re going to eat a Totino’s Party Pizza, might I suggest fashioning it into a Pizzarito?

PEACE!

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16 Comments

Filed under The Shame-ber

16 responses to “Shame-ber Food List

  1. Matt

    First off, I WILL contend that McDonald’s fries are horrible! I know a ton of people who love them, but I always hit them with this.

    If you casually eat the fries as you’re eating your burger what do they taste like by the end? The correct answer…cold, floppy, oily crap!

    Everyone who likes McDonald’s fries and argues with me that they’re great always say, “No, you’ve got to eat them right away when they’re hot!” Ok fine, but if they have to be nuclear hot to inject them you’re dealing with horrible product!

    Not to judge you, you can like them if you like, just don’t try and tell me they’re the best fries in fast food like a lot of people do! He-he!

    Ok, now that’s out of the way, here is my most Shame-ber of Shame-berest food items that I always find myself eating and always feel like people are staring at me like a fatty while I suck it down…blue cheese dressing!

    I dislike salad, but I love blue cheese, I will seriously sop up every bit of blue cheese dressing that I can. I will often quietly ask the waitress if I can get extra blue cheese on my salad too! And don’t even get in line around me a a Sweet Tomatoes or Souper Salad! I will turn your stomach with the vats blue cheese that I drown my four leaves of lettuce in! Luckily for me and my heart I’m married now and my wife’s “You’re killing yourself” stare shames me out of eating as much blue cheese as I’d like, but often times I’ll fry buffalo wings at home and literally drink a little of the blue cheese dressing while I’m waiting for my wings to cool down!

    FOR SHAME…

  2. Marie-Reine

    There’s a place in East LA called Mike’s Hockeyburger, and the special “hockeyburger” is a cheeseburger with a sliced hot dog placed above the cheese. It sounds disgusting and unnecessary, but it’s delicious and unnecessary.

    And any kind of popcorn found in a bar.

  3. Cornhole

    Matt, I expect to see you doing a bleu cheese bong at the next 10ver gathering… or maybe you could shotgun a bottle of Newman’s bleu cheese dressing!

  4. oscar

    I love Spam musubi (yes, spam sushi), and have no shame about it.

    I do feel somewhat ashamed about boxed Mac ‘n’ Cheese, though. And Hostess fruit pies.

  5. Matt

    Spam musubi is awesome! Hawaiian plate lunch in general is awesome! I’m also partial to a Hostess pie from time to time, but I like the chocolate pudding pies! I’ll even do the low rent off brands on the pudding pies!

    Oh, I should have added this earlier, but Hamburger Helper’s lasagna…HEAVEN! I’ll eat an entire box of that shiz in an evening!

  6. Kristen from Iowa

    @ Matt – I love blue cheese too! In Decorah we have this bar/grill that has a blue burger. Regular hamburger with swiss cheese, blue cheese crumbles, and blue cheese dressing. So delicious! This isn’t in my shamber though; I am loud and proud about my love of blue cheese.

    In my food shamber is Manwich – I will make on a Monday then eat for lunch and dinner for the rest of the week. BTW, my fave way of eating this is on toast with melted mozzarella cheese.

  7. Matt

    Kristen that burger sounds AWESOME! I want to go to there!

  8. Cornhole

    Matt, you should make a pilgrimage to Newton, Iowa, where they make the famous Maytag Blue Cheese!
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maytag_blue_cheese

    • Matt

      Son of a bitch! I had no idea this Maytag place was THE Maytag cheese town! I drove right through there twice on my way to and from Boston and not once did I stop and eat fist sized lumps of blue cheese!

      I think I feel a Tenver road trip coming on! Who’s with me?

  9. Robin

    Wow, so much to say here….

    Popcorn or nuts served in bowls in a bar is just scary, but after a few drinks I forget how many germs are floating in the bowl and just go wild. The alcohol kills the germs, right?

    Kristen, I do the exact same thing if I am cooking for myself. At the beginning of the week, I make a big batch of seasoned strips of chicken, then proceed to make huge, gut-busting quesadillas with refried beans, soy cheese and avocado every night for dinner. I know they’re gross, and have no nutritional value other than about 1,500 calories, but it’s like an addiction.

    I hate salad dressing of any kind. I do not like the way it makes the lettuce feel in my mouth. I have some food texture issues, but that’s a whole different story!

  10. Zintradi

    Ok this is truly shamefull and some may find it a bit gross…
    Ezelles Spicy chiken (dark meat of course) and beans. Take the skin off the chicken, put some beans in it, roll it up and enjoy… I call it a redneck hors douver

    • Matt

      I save bits of fried chicken skins from my Popeyes chicken to put in my mashed potatoes. It’s deliciously horrible for you, but hey, I love it!

  11. Michael B

    Now you can add the Double Down being eaten in the basement laundry room of Dan’s sister-in-law. (TBTL 4/14/10 for reference)

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