Monthly Archives: July 2009

Terrorist

My entry is based upon my train ride today from London to Glasgow. While I was on the train, we would stop at various places and pick up new passengers. When on a long train ride like this one, it is really nice to have two seats to yourself. And as I am Indian, I am pretty brown-skinned. So when new passengers get on the train, I start bobbing my head up and down and mumbling, figuring people will think I am Muslim and, because of many people’s prejudice, a terrorist. And the fact of the matter is that I had an extra seat for all six hours.

Since I’m a boring-looking white girl, the only way I’d be able to pull a move like this is if I sat there picking my nose and eating it. *Sigh* That’s why I always have to share my seat on the light rail.

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Cool Rider

A Eugene Ten sent this gem in:

I have an alarmingly unhealthy obsession with the film “Grease 2.” I own the VHS and CD soundtrack, and I have actually choreographed many of the musical numbers. I can sing every word of every song and I freak out whenever I see one of the actors in another television show or film (i.e. Pamela Adlon from “Californication,” who plays Dolores in the film). My husband is able to endure many things, but this is nearly a deal breaker.

Grease 2

Well, you obviously don’t have fruit-blindness, so I think you guys are going to make it, despite your obsession with Grease 2! I wonder what my husband would think if I started choreographing the songs from Moulin Rouge? Hmmmm…..

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Movie Store Girl

Ah, the joy and agony of having a crush on someone who works in a store you like to visit:

When I moved to this neighborhood a few months ago I was very excited to find a little movie store just around the corner. One of the first days after I got settled, I walked over to start an account and check the selection out; little did I know it wouldn’t be just movies I’d be checking out (wink-nudge).

I developed a crush on Movie Store Girl the first time I saw her. Typically, I am into somewhat preppy, sorta sporty girls, but believe you me, M.S.G. is not that type. She has dyed dark red hair and tattoos down her arm. Every time I have seen her she’s been wearing a black t-shirt, black jeans, and the sexiest smile I have ever seen. I am guessing she smokes Paul Mall Straights and gulps down her Jack Daniels before the ice starts to melt. One time she told me about her love of horror movies and I had to feign agreement since I got a little jumpy watching Hocus Pocus, I was 24, and it was the Disney Channel edit. I don’t think Match.com would call us a perfect fit, but there is something about her that I am just plain smitten with.

hocuspocus
(Yikes – Sarah Jessica Parker’s eyebrows are enough to give me nightmares!)

Just having a crush on M.S.G. is not nearly enough to be shameber worthy, I know, the whole opposites attract thing and all. The fact that I have Netflix opens the door to the shamber though, since I could get any movie I want dropped off in my mailbox. That alone doesn’t quite make it however; sometimes there are movies that I just want to see right now and it isn’t that big of a deal to walk over.

The thing that puts this firmly in my Shame-ber is that sometimes I will stop in to the store, just with the hope that M.S.G. is working, without even particularly wanting to get a movie. If she is there I will ask stupid questions about movies that I have already seen, pretend to be interested in some of the ‘darker’ movies on the shelf (so she thinks I am dark and edgy, like her), generally chat her up a bit and try to get the courage to ask her out without seeming like too much of a creeper. If she isn’t there I will just look around for a minute or two and leave.

I don’t do this every day or even once a week, but every couple of weeks I end up with a movie that I didn’t really want. I think a crush note might be in order (omit the part about renting movies only to see her though). I think I will have to pick up some black construction paper and red markers for this little art project.

I hope this can go in my Shame-ber and not out back in the stalker-shed.

Matthew of the Fremont Tens. RAWR!

I think you should definitely send her a crush note – and please report back to us to let us know how it went! What would you do if she asked you out to see a super scary movie though? I know I couldn’t sit through one of those Saw movies no matter how big my crush was.

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On-Air

Sean DeTore has come up with a novel way to avoid talking to the janitors at KIRO.

On Air

After all the problems they had with the janitors bursting into the studio when the on-air light was on, Sean realized that he could use the light to keep them from coming in and trying to talk to him when he wasn’t in the mood. Pretending to be on the phone also works…. not that I would know.

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Shame-ber on Wheels

If you don’t want to use your bathroom as your Shame-ber, there’s always your car:

So my shame-ber is actually my car, which, even prior to my learning about Shame-bers I refer to as my Dorian Gray Shame Car. I call it this because while my house is generally tidy and clean, my car is like my portrait of Dorian Gray, where my secret messy self lives.

messy-car

I mean, it’s not out of scope with ordinary messy cars, just in comparison to the relatively scrubbed clean house I live in. We’re talking candy wrappers, petrified french fries gum packages, random scraps, jackets flung off and forgotten in the back seat.

Once I had a paper fountain soda cup kind of disintegrate (in my defense, this happened in under 24 hours, so I really think the cup’s poor construction, rather than my laziness, is the issue here), releasing the dregs of the soda into the cup holder. Since it was diet (i.e., contained no organic matter that could attract anything), I just let it evaporate.

Basically I use my car as storage. Same for bulky big items from grocery store, like paper towels or toilet paper or cat litter. Just can’t bring myself to get them out of the car until it is absolutely necessary.

And it’s been a while, but I also have had tendencies to use it as storage for things I plan to donate. For a long time. Months. Why I can’t just drive to the donation place when it’s all already in there is beyond me.

This behavior is all due to some kind of weird thing I have about being in cars, which is that once I am done with driving, I have this urge to just be done with everything to do with the car as quickly as possible and usually exit it as though I am being pursued by hellhounds. The idea of stopping to tidy or bring out trash is, for some weird reason, absolutely unbearable. I am wondering if this is somehow related to my raging ADD and the problem ADD-ers have with transition times. I say this because one of my good friends who also has raging ADD also cannot bear the whole getting-out-of-car process and wants it done as quickly as possible.

But (if I can get serious for a moment), there is one shameful thing I am vowing here to never do again in the Dorian Gray Shame Car. So I am broke and very very busy. And so taking a relaxing vacation is kind of out of the question for me. So what do I do when I feel tense? I go to the convenience store, get a menthol single stick cigarette, a pack of doublemint gum (I have to chew gum while smoking the cigarette because otherwise it’s just gross-tasting), and I drive around listening to aggressive hip hop and smoking my single stick.

Then this Father’s Day, my dad, who smoked his whole life until he quit cold turkey a little over ten years ago, calls me and says, “Oh, so yeah, I’m going into the hospital to have part of my lung taken out.”

So yeah, apparently he has stage one lung cancer, which he was keeping a secret because he didn’t want to bother me until the last minute.

The surgery was this Monday, everything is looking pretty good so far, but we are still waiting on the pathology report for the lymph nodes (they think they will not have cancer in them because they didn’t show up on the scan, so that’s hopeful).

But I think I have been scared straight so I am going to shut down the Single Stick Cigarette wing of my Shame-ber. No guarantees that all the other embarrassing aspects of the Dorian Gray Shame Car will be tidied up any time soon, but this one seems like a good one to jettison.

Leslie, I hope your father is on his way to a full recovery! If you need a substitute addiction, try Altoids! My car is full of empty Altoids tins.

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Pop Quiz!

Which of the following is in Jen Andrews’ Shame-ber:

1. Thinking Robert Pattison is so hot, she scours all the tabloids for the latest photos of him, and considered starting her own magazine devoted entirely to him.

robert_pattison_1

2. Is so smitten over Alison Mosshart, she is trying to be more like her. This involves buying the same sunglasses, wearing multiple black bracelets, and letting her hair hang in her face.

mosshart

3. Lying to bartenders about being “on the road” and having stayed in multiple hotels over the past week. Then getting caught in the lie when she can only come up with the names of two hotels when the bartender asks for details.

ace-hotel-703951

Answer: All of the above!

Jen, you make my day when you share the inner workings of your mind. It makes me feel less alone in my weird brain.

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We interrupt this blog for an important message

Thank you for visiting The Shame-ber! Before you leave a comment, please take this handy quiz:

1. Are you a troll?
2. Do you hate women, and like to find any opportunity to degrade them in a public setting?
3. Do you take life a little too seriously?
4. DO YOU LIKE TO SWEAR AT STRANGERS IN ALL CAPS???
5. Do you like to bait people into having pointless political debates?
6. Are you trying to sell me something?
7. Do you use the Cyrillic alphabet?
8. Do you not understand the concept of The Shame-ber?

If you answered “YES!” to any of the questions above, this is not the blog for you. Don’t bother wasting your time by commenting here – your comments will be deleted, will never ever see the light of day, and I will find your mother and tell her all the nasty things you say.

If, however, you have something to add, please do comment! I’m not trying to say that every comment has to be full of unicorns and rainbows, but I do feel strongly that this should be a judgment-free zone. This is the Shame-ber! People submit things that they are ashamed of – sometimes just a little bit, sometimes very deeply. Good-natured teasing is usually fine, but we don’t need the morality police here. And we don’t need whatever it is that those Russian people keep posting comments about either.

Carry on.

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